Let's not bring the TSA to the NFL

Brandon and I went to see the Broncos play the 49ers last night and learned the hard way about the clear bag policy. We checked in our bags, with mine containing a laptop, and was annoyed when I just saw my bag thrown in a pile in the tents shown here:

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/nfl-bag-policy-gets-off-hassle-filled-start-165410851.html

Brandon and I were like "during the game they will sort the bags... right?"

NO.

So after the game, we were in this awful mob of people. We decided it was the "Zombie bagcopalypse": an awful combination of sore winners and losers who have had plenty of drinks waiting to get home on a weeknight. There was nothing to entertain these people, no music (except for a saxophonist hoping for some money by playing Christmas music and Happy Birthday on repeat).

The awesome workers who didn't think to sort the bags by last name or ticket number were just yelling "ANYONE SEE THEIR BAG?!" This resulted in a mosh pit of people yelling "I see mine!!" It was utter chaos. Fights broke out, and one of the employees was threatening to commit violence on the people who were "on the table." Of course, those on the table had nowhere to go because of all of the others pushing forward.

Long story short, my bag lost it's tag, but I knew it was mine when she threw it on the table and heard my laptop thump. Brandon's bag had his tag, but the worker didn't see it and started to open the bag to pull out his belongings to verify it was actually his.

The best part, if you didn't get your bag within an hour of game finish, you lost your bag.

Way to go NFL. Please leave the paranoia of the TSA out of this. We know the only purpose of this crap is to instill fear. Here are some tips:

1. Play music. Good music. Make it so people enjoy themselves in the mob of zombies.
2. Throw out free stuff. Like keychains or shirts!
3. SORT THE BAGS. Just make 20 metal baskets, and sort them by the first two numbers on the ticket. Tape a big "17" to the basket, so my bag #174 is stowed in there. Then have people wait in organized lines. It wouldn't take too long to put my bag in the correct basket, and much faster to get it out.
4. Don't threaten the people with violence. Seriously employees, show more professionalism.

Making a commitment to myself

I am making a commitment to take better care of myself.

This was my vow on New Year's Eve, and I am still managing to follow through.

I was giving myself permission to look and feel good when walking out the door, take care to do my physical therapy and voice therapy exercises, sleep well, maintain the best hygiene I have ever experienced, take care in what I am wearing, pack my lunch for work, stop eating out except on Friday nights, take my vitamins and medicine, sit back and breathe, and run. I changed being awake from 9am-3am to 6am-10pm. I was attempting to fall asleep in under 30 minutes from entering my bed, as opposed to the 3 hours of tossing and turning. I was giving myself time to focus on how to improve my well-being.*

Why wouldn't I do this for myself all along? I thought that if I took time  out of my day to do this, I would lose precious time to get work done. Yes, this literally is the case. The more time I use to take care of myself, the less possible time I could use for work.

I have battled this in my head for quite some time. As a result, January 2013 was an interesting yet trying month. I would go back and forth saying "If I only stayed up one more hour I could get this much more work done." I would fight back saying that "I would be more rested going to sleep now and be more productive the next day."

It was hard making all of those changes virtually overnight. But here is what I noticed as January progressed:

1. People gave me more compliments and were more willing to carry a conversation with me. Strangers were more willing to smile, myself included. My boyfriend gave me compliments every day, which was way more frequent than before. This is not at the fault of others, but myself, for depriving my positive appearance and attitude.

2. I have more energy than before. Running, physical therapy, voice therapy, calming down at night, eating healthy, and feeling clean and refreshed revitalized me. It gave the day closure and significantly improved my ability to fall asleep. I used to stress about useless things and toss and turn for 3 hours. I surpassed my 30 minute goal and regularly fell asleep within 10 minutes. My eyelids were heavy due to being relaxed.

3. I am getting more work done. My job is the reason I was afraid to make all of these changes. I felt my performance would decrease because I was spending less time on my job. This was not the case. I was present while working. I was alert, able to think more creatively, remember more, and have a sense of clarity. I work smarter and more efficiently. I haven't fallen behind yet, and crossing my fingers that I don't as the term gets heavier.

4. When people ask how I am doing, I can honestly answer with "good." It isn't superficial anymore. I feel like I am doing everything I can to feel accomplished and successful. I believe success comes solely from happiness and I am doing everything I can to increase my potential on the happiness scale.

This was my Christmas gift to myself, and I can't send enough thank you letters to yours truly to express how much better I feel inside. Maintenance of this isn't easy either, but I plan to carry these lessons into all facets of my life. I think this will improve friendships and family relations. I think I will be a better employee and role model to others. Most importantly, I will be a better Kyle.**

Lesson learned: Do NOT sacrifice yourself for anything!

*Running was the easiest thing to add of course because it wasn't my choice to quit (hence physical therapy).

**I am cheesy.

Things are finally looking upward

Tomorrow, I will be giving my quals talk for my first completed project while in graduate school. Even though this is just the beginning of my career in research, this is an accomplishment for which I'm very proud.

Why you ask? Because of the amount I went through to get to this point. I faced one full year of sheer negativity (May 2011 - May 2012) where I was questioning if research was right for me and if I really wanted to stay in graduate school. In addition to the obvious productivity lost, it runs down other things like confidence, happiness, positive energy around friends and family, ability to network, and basic communication with anyone else.

Luckily, I had enough people in my life who cared. I will never forget who was there for me at my worst, giving me advice, listening to me complain, and being concerned for my happiness. I must say, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I finally made it out the other side.

From May until today, I was fighting hard to prove to myself that I deserve to do research and be a graduate student. I think I finally did that. Yes, the humbling times will continue. But now I'm not questioning my existence as a graduate student, but how to improve.

In addition to fighting, I learned from my mistakes. Here are a few things that I wish I would have read (and trusted) earlier in graduate school:

1. If a project just isn't gelling with you, move on.

Let go of unfinished business. No matter how much you like to check off items on your list, it's just as important to identify when to remove all of those items and add better tasks.

Over the span of two years, I spent time on a project on and off that was going nowhere and I finally got the courage to drop it in June. Over the summer, I finished my project I will be presenting tomorrow. It's amazing how excitement for a project can change your productivity.

2. Take a break if you really need it.

Interning at Google this past winter was a necessity. I cannot thank enough the positive people I worked with at Google for making my job something I was excited to wake up for. It gave me extra motivation to continue in Accessibility research back at UW. Being gone for 3 months gave me the realization that I missed the program, and there was hope for me continuing.

3. Talk to many people, inside and outside of the department. Definitely complain if you need to, but not always.

I don't think I need to say a whole lot here. First, it is a good idea to discover that you aren't alone. If you trust yourself enough to admit your faults, you will be surprised to discover others that are willing to admit the same.

In addition, I spoke with people who I consider successful: those who stayed in grad school and those who decided that another career path was better for them. This helped give me piece of mind that regardless of which decision I made there was hope.

4. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Who cares how many awards, fellowships, good grades, successes, blah blah blah you had in undergrad? You are human, you will make mistakes, even very stupid mistakes. People will understand.

One big mistake I made was expecting so much out of myself. I believe that the pressure made me sink and I wound up not getting much done, other than getting sick and upset. Sleep enough, work on your terms and hours regardless of what others do, and do those extra little things to make yourself happy.

5. Surround yourself with positive people.

Grad school can cause plenty of stress as it is, don't allow for people to add to the burden. I have become comfortable with the people I associate myself with, and it has been a blessing. When I say positive, I don't mean grinning faces 24/7. I mean they unconditionally care about you, and will always be there when you need them the most.

Good-bye "pre-quals slump" :D And as long as I can help it, no more slumps for a while!

Strange Dream

I have had so many dreams never make it to the conscious world.  But for some reason, this one stuck with me so I had to just write it down somewhere.  Hopefully you will be somewhat entertained.

Most of the dream takes place in the restroom of a huge football stadium.  It is coed, and there is an extremely huge line.  It is mixed between males and females because it isn't the same as when girls flock together to a bathroom.  It is a waiting area so you can catch up with your friends and family before going back to your section.  However, your section is based on your career path, and the doors to that section are actually portals to different parts of the world depending on what you are doing with your life.  So essentially, every time you enter the long bathroom line, you have accomplished a new goal that you were trying to achieve and receive a "break" to see others.

Now I definitely knew everyone in my dream, but some people were doing entirely different things with their lives (i.e. a teacher was a zoologist, etc.).  So that was kind of amusing.  Some people were doing their actual career.  I can't remember what everyone in my dream was doing, but we were all making small talk and encouraging each other when we met in the bathroom and before we went on our next adventure.

The last memories consisted of people rapidly cycling through so there was no wait in line anymore, and it was chaotic.  Randomly, my hairbrush was there, and I didn't want to carry it with me anymore.  I was planning to write my name on the back so no one else would touch it, but debating if I wanted to label it because it would look funny.  Then I woke up.  Why was that happening?  Not a clue.

So now I'm wondering what influenced this dream... a) I must be obsessed with football, b) the bathroom is a good place to relax?  c) I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life, and probably - d) as people get older, life becomes a total whirlwind, a place where it gets more and more difficult to just take a step back and breathe.

I'm feeling like that right about now.  When things seem to feel more optimistic and I can catch a break, something else comes up to remind me that I still have a lot of "figuring life out" to do.  I know that I shouldn't be spending my life looking forward to the future, but it is hard since the present has had it's hardships.

Maybe I'll just spend more time in the bathroom...

What gets me up in the morning

If you were to ask me this before summer started, it would have been my cats.  They like to wake me up when it is breakfast time, or if they see me open my eyes.  They also like to wake me up from my naps so I can give them attention.

But now, I wake up way earlier for my ASL class I take four days a week.  It is actually through the University of Washington so it is very convenient.  I go to class from 8:45am to 1pm, Monday through Thursday.  We experience total immersion; the classroom is a no talking zone.  I have already learned so many signs after the first week and am so excited to learn more.

I love the class, I love how we learn, and I really love the group of students that are attending.  They are all there to be able to expand the horizons of communication, and to learn about a new culture.  Everyone is so understanding and excited to be there just as much as I am.  ASL is such a beautiful language, and thank goodness I still have another 8 weeks.  After it is finished, who knows?  Maybe I'll continue the second year courses at UW. :)

A Small Accomplishment

This really isn't a big deal, but I got a poster into WikiSym 2011!  For those of you who don't know what it is here is a link: http://www.wikisym.org/ws2011/

And if you don't want to read the link, it is a conference about websites such as Wikipedia, and cool innovations  to make them more interesting, get others to become contributors instead of readers, etc.  Is there something in Wikipedia where you could see yourself making a contribution, or maybe a subject you want to add?

Papers are the way to go through graduate school (and get a job), but I will submit the paper version of this poster this fall.  The reason that this is so exciting is that it is the first acceptance while in graduate school!  I am happy they accepted my work in progress because they can see the value in my work.  I am so happy today!

A Real Vacation...

For the past couple of days I have been lucky enough to be on a vacation.  I spent the first day with my mom and going through things in my room and reminiscing about school and the past.  I really wish I could spend more time with her :(

The next two days have been spent at Neskowin, OR right on the beach with my Dad, Kris, and brother Bryan.  It has been beautiful watching the waves crash and just enjoying nature.  It really has been amazing for the most part to just kick back and relax.  I am glad that I will be seeing more of them this summer!

I wish I could have vacations like this more often.  I think at one point I said "I feel really lazy right now", and I was told "That's great!".  I need more positive reinforcement ;)

I hope people are taking advantage of the summer months ahead to be lazy.