Admittedly, the blog failed miserably, but I can explain why -
First off, I had all the symptoms of Norovirus, but I never checked with a doctor because I hate visiting the doctor. I was stuck at home for days and it wasn't fun. I finally traveled south to Corvallis since I hadn't eaten anything to visit college friends (so no opportunity to get sick on the road). Five days later, I got home and was really burnt out about school. Naturally, the next day, I got sick again. I got "better" in time for the end of the term, and then got a sinus headache which kept me in bed for a while. Needless to say, it has been frustrating being constantly sick for the better part of a month. However, if this is the worst of my illnesses, I am pretty lucky.
The purpose of this post isn't for me to complain, but as you can guess, I wasn't really enjoying life for a while. And yes, the question of whether or not graduate school is a healthy place for me has come up in my thoughts. When talking to people about graduate school, everyone says you need a good enough reason to stay. This confuses me though, because what is the golden reason? Are there good reasons to pick from somewhere that I'm not aware of? Is my reason socially acceptable, or will you just listen to me skeptically and think I'll quit in another year?
You know what my reason is (and believe me, most of the time I can't come up with one)? It just feels right. I honestly think that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I think that if I were to quit I would really regret leaving behind the opportunity I have right now laying in my hands. But I guess, the only person that this reason needs to fulfill is me.
This logic holds true for other things, like why you live the way you do, your relationships, your friends, and how you work through hard times. The past month or so has been a hard time for me, but I'm ready to move on and keep tackling life, without needing the validation of others. And being happy.
But - I can't forget how sick I have gotten solely from stress, and I think that there are some life changes I need to make soon or I might just not be able to survive a graduate program. I am identifying that the lack of structure in grad school allows me to either a) work, or b) do something for fun and feel guilty the entire time. In fact, I very rarely take a break for myself without feelings of guilt. This has got to change. I swear the bottomless pit in my stomach and mental strain has caused me to get as sick as I did, and be unhappy.
So my challenge to myself is to eradicate this stress, and not give up. Not give up on being happy, finishing school, or this blog. I'm not done yet.
Someone mentioned the 'reasons to be in grad school' thing to me at the beginning of my time here and cited "getting to wear the robe" as a possible reason. That HAS kind of stuck with me. Awesome purple velvet robe?? The sweet purple hat that goes with it?? It's a silly reason and it's certainly not the only one, but when I see people I know graduate (and you will see some pictures soon) it gets more and more real.
ReplyDeleteAs for the stress and the guilt, I think it gets a little better when you start seeing yourself make progress, maybe having more ownership of your work and your project in a way where you know kind of where you're heading and what he next steps are. There's also an aspect of giving up on feeling guilty and knowing if you don't take breaks, bad things WILL happen, and that you seem to be aware of.
At the risk of sounding like a lecturer, but I speak from experience... :P
ReplyDeleteDo what's right for you. Never push yourself through something as intense as grad school just because you told somebody you'd do it. There's always lots of opportunities for bright, motivated people!
Don't let grad school define you. It's just one small (temporary) part of your bigger life. Like any job, it can consume you. I recommend setting soft deadlines. One of my biggest stressors was never meeting deadlines (on my dissertation). As always, physical activity and a balanced diet make a big difference. May I also recommend phdcomics? It met my humorous criteria.
Good luck!
Oh, and JBeav = Josh Clark. :P
Kathleen - the robe sounds like a great reason to get through school. And seeing more people graduate does seem like a good motivator, that might have worked in my undergrad years.
ReplyDeleteI have made taking real breaks a goal of mine for a while. I'm making it my first baby step. Thank you for all of your insight on this!
Josh - It is nice to hear from you! And you can always give me advice.
ReplyDeleteI know that graduate school is self motivated at this moment, but if I ever do realize that I'm not there for me, I will look elsewhere. I am aware that I can get a good job as a computer scientist and earn a lot more cash in the process. But I'm not ready for that yet ;)
I am trying to keep running up which really has helped give me balance. I agree with you that there should be more that defines you other than your schooling. I should definitely check out Ph.D. comics. I didn't read them in my undergrad because I wasn't sure I would get into grad school. Hehe.
I hope all is well Josh!!
Hey Kyle,
ReplyDeleteAs I read this post I was VERY reminded of myself so many years ago as I started grad school and through the many years I was at OSU.
I don't think there are any easy answers regarding "right" and "wrong" in terms of what we do with our lives, how much stress we add to our selves or allow to be added by others. Each experience, whether carefully guided or otherwise, effects who we are and (to some degree) defines us as a person. The question is how we feel about our choices at the end of the day. How we physically feel and how we balance our need for achievement with being present in the day to day.
Graduate school can be both amazing and totally overwhelming. I hope you can find a balance that works for you, and do it again and again as the need arises.
Remember trust first and foremost in yourself (or perhaps a high being if that works for you!)
Best Regards,
Laura
Hi Laura!! Thanks for getting in touch with me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your advice and the well wishes. I am constantly trying to figure out the right equation for me and it can get confusing for sure! I am always comforted to hear that I am not alone and that people had similar experiences as myself. I hope all is well in Denmark! :)